Family Fun

We decided it was time to get some family photos done since we hadn't had professional pictures made since Ryan arrived nine months ago. I discovered that my absolute favorite place to take pictures, Portrait Innovations, now had a studio in Austin. So, we got all dressed up and headed over early in the morning to get our pictures made! As soon as we got there, Peyton decided she didn't want her picture taken and so began the battle! She wouldn't smile for anyone...we had 2 different people trying to help us out and make her laugh. Nevermind trying to get both kids to look at the camera at the same time. My mood quickly went downhill as Peyton sat for 1 picture with Ryan and then proceeded to throw such a tantrum that all the other parents began giving me sympathy looks. Fine I told her she was done. I'll try to get some cute ones of just Ryan by himself. By the time we got set up to do him solo, he decided it was naptime and began melting down himself. So what you see is the best we got...guess it's better than nothing! What you don't see in the picture of my husband and I is Peyton hanging from each of our hands thrashing around violently saying she is ready to go. The photographer was laughing about how we were able to keep our frozen smiles on the whole time. I told him obviously he didn't have any children of his own who like to create public spectacles of themselves or he would know how easy that is to do! :-)

Crowe's Nest Farm

We went spent the morning at this really cool place called Crowe's Nest Farm in Manor, TX on Friday. Peyton had so much fun as did all our friends that we spent the morning with. I had never heard of this place before, but it is awesome. Way better than the Austin zoo and I think it will even replace our visits to the Elgin pumpkin patch every year. I know this is a long video, but hey, you've got 3 minutes of free time while the kids watch!

White Thanksgiving

Well, I am a born and raised Texan and I am still always amazed by the weather around here! Only in Texas can it be 82 one day and then 30 and snowing the next. We were still in Abilene this past week and it started snowing around noon on Thanksgiving day. I think we had a total of 5 inches that day. It was so pretty and great weather for Christmas shopping the next day. Usually when it snows in Texas, you get a little bit of snow and a lot of ice, but this time we only had snow. Ryan thought it was pretty neat. Peyton was having a cranky day and wasn't really interested in being out in the cold. Especially since neither of my kids own a coat or a hat at the moment. It really hasn't been cold enough for anything more than heavy sweatshirts so I havn't bothered to shop for them yet, but guess we need to now that we've had a few cold days in a row. As you can see from the pictures, they were just wearing layers of clothes and had their heads wrapped in scarves! I don't think it snows very often in Austin, so this was likely the only snow they will see this year. We got home to Hutto yesterday and got started decorating the house for Christmas. It is cold here and rainy, but no snow. I talked to my mom this afternoon and they just had another 7 or 8 inches this afternoon in Abilene. The first picture is our matching Christmas pj's we found at GAP. I had to order some online from Old Navy since they didn't have our sizes in the store. They should be here this week! Yeah!! Hopefully I'll get some really good holiday pictures to share with you this Christmas. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Crazy weekend

I have been in Abilene for the past week with the kids while Brandon is in Dallas working AGAIN! We've been busy packing up my mom and dad's house since they will be moving to Hutto soon. They close on their house the week after Thanksgiving, but will actually be ready to move the beginning of Jan. I'm so excited that my parents will be living 5 minutes away! Brandon and I can actually have date nights again. Yeah!
Anyhow...I got to spend this past few days with Brandon and I think it has been the most we have connected in almost 4 months. It was a much needed mini vacation! My mom and dad kept the kids and I headed to Dallas on Friday. Brandon had meetings until late that evening so I drove into Frisco and spent the afternoon with my best friend who I havn't seen in 6 months or longer. I miss her so much! She had lunch ready for me when I got there around 1:30 and we talked non-stop until I had to leave at 6. Man did the afternoon fly by! I left at 6 to drive into Dallas to meet Brandon. Took me almost an hour to get to our hotel, but we left his truck in the parking lot and headed to the airport for our flight to California. My brother in law is turning 30 and Brandon's family was throwing him a surprise party...we were part of the surprise since he had no idea we were coming. Anyhow...we got to LA around midnight and by the time we got checked into a hotel, it was almost 2 am Texas time. I think the last time I was up that late was when I was in labor with Ryan! :-) Anyhow, we got up early and had another flight into Fresno and it was hit the ground running. Grabbed our rental car and drove the hour to Tulare where Brandon grew up. We went straight to Brandon's best friends house to have lunch and spend some time with his family. They just had a new baby girl in May and she is beautiful! I think Brandon has been annoyed that I am questioning weather or not I'm done having babies this weekend! My best friend is pregnant right now too and due next May!
Anyhow...after some awesome pizza at VIP pizza (the best in the world!) we headed to Brandon's dad's house to help get ready for the festivities. I think Cary (Brandon's brother) knew that his wife was planning something because he was being difficult in cooperating with the plans that were made to get him to the party. I sympathized with Natalie since I live with a Hodge man myself! But, he finally showed up and he was surprised that we were there...actually made him cry so it was totally worth it! We had a lot of fun visiting with all the family that came and we know most of their friends too since we've been there to visit several times. It was just such a fast trip! Brandon got up at the crack of dawn Sunday and went to the local Starbucks to work...something we can't ever seem to get away from these days...and unfortunately my sister in law had to go to work yesterday too. So, Cary and I hung out and had a nice visit until Brandon came back and we went to breakfast. That was all our time...we had to leave before lunch to catch our flight back to Dallas. We did grab some In and Out burgers for lunch (also a must have when I visit California) and headed back to Dallas. We went out for a late date night to my favorite place, PF Chang, and headed to our hotel. Brandon had to work for a while after that and then he had a conference call at 4 am this morning and left for the office at 6. So, he's in meetings all day until 9 tonight and I just got back to Abilene an hour ago. Back to the crappy work routine, but at least we had 48 hours of fun!
I'm looking forward to going home. We are heading back to Hutto on Sat. morning. Hopefully we will get to decorate our house for Christmas before Brandon heads back to Dallas for the entire following week. He is SUPPOSE to be done with all this crazy work schedule by Dec. 8th. Pray for him that he will hang in there for a few more weeks.

Still Here

I know it has been awhile since I've posted anything. We don't really have much going on right now besides Brandon working. He's in Dallas again...I'm ready for December to be here. Not just because I love Christmas, but Brandon will finally be done with the constant trips to Dallas and we can get back to some sort of normal. Peyton has been so out of sorts for the past 2 1/2 months with Daddy being gone so much. We have a lot of things to work on with her behavior and other routines, but I feel like we won't get things fixed until she feels more secure. So, I am definately ready for the new year! We had a great Halloween. I think Peyton really enjoyed trick or treating for the first time. Daddy took her around the neighborhood and she quickly learned what to do. She would whisper trick or treat because she is shy with strangers, but once they gave her candy she would give them a huge smile and thank you! She and Peter Pan were adorable this year!
We had a pretty laid back weekend...Brandon's boss made him take a few days off at the end of last week and we were suppose to go on some kind of fun family trip. Unfortunately the kids weren't feeling so great (Peyton has another ear infection) so we just worked on cleaning the house. Sunday was our football day and Peyton and I were so dissappointed that the Colts lost! I don't really care much about the Cowboys, but daddy and Ryan were very happy that they won. My fantasy football team lost for the first time this week! I'm still leading the league, but I have another tough week coming up since my quarterback is on a bye this week and I am playing the team that is in second place right behind me. Oh well...maybe my team will pull through...Brandon has no sympathy for me since I am so far ahead of him! :-)
As you can see, I finally figured out how to post pictures so hopefully this blog will be a little more interesting from now on! I could still use a tutorial on how to jazz this up a bit so Amanda, when you are free (I know it might be Jan. before that happens) we need to blog together!

Going strong!

I know everybody wants a Fantasy Football update so here you go....

I am now 6 and 0 (thank you Brent for sucking this week!) and still the points leader in the league!

My husband, the football expert, is 3 and 3 and towards the bottom of the points.

This is pretty fun! :-) Too bad you don't win lots of money in this league!

Give Me a Break!

"In every generation there seem to exist certain cliches used by members of the body of Christ. No doubt, on the top of the list for this generation are the words 'I'm under attack!' Every difficulty seems to be labeled 'spiritual warfare.' Without question we fight wars in the heavenlies; but before we can be sure it's spiritual warfare, we must be able to answer three questions negatively: 1. Am I living outside the will of God? 2. Do I have any unconfessed sin? 3. Is God simply working His completion in me? Far more often, our difficulties originate from one of these three realms." - Henry Blackaby

This quote was from my Beth Moore study this week. Right now, we are beginning to construct the tabernacle among this camp of Israelites God has led into the wilderness and the study pointed out that the children of Israel were on the toughest battlefield of their nation's history, facing the most vicious enemy of all: themselves. Satan was not at war with these people during this time although this would have been a very opportune time for him to strike. God was present in so many ways and yet these people struggled!

Romans 7:14-25 (The Message)

14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23 It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

I know my greatest battle is within myself, the war constantly going on in my mind. It is truely the hardest thing to control...sometimes I feel like I have no control! Beth pointed out that once we know how, we do not hesitate rebuking Satan, because we despise him. On the other hand, we dearly love our own flesh and have far more difficulty rebuking it. I myself have said several times that I feel like Satan is just attacking me right and left, but is he really? I think I do enough to myself that he doesn't have much to stir up. I definately don't investigate the three questions above often enough...how much easier it is just to blame it on "spiritual warfare".

This topic has given me a lot to think about this week. I have been feeling defeated a lot the past 3 weeks. For some reason, our family has just been plagued with sickness. Peyton had the stomach virus, Ryan has had a two week sinus infection, and just 2 days ago Brandon and I both had a vicious stomach virus within the same 24 hour period. That was fun...trying to take care of a 2 year old and 7 month old while taking turns running to the bathroom to vomit! So, I feel like I've aged by a year with the sleep depravation! As I was sitting with Ryan at 3 am this morning trying to get him back to sleep and crying myself, I found myself saying the same prayer I think I've said every night for a month now! "God, please heal my kids, get rid of their sickness, give everyone comfort to sleep peacefully through the night, give me the rest I desparately need and the energy to make it through the day with so little sleep. Please let me sleep and feel rested!" I was getting so frustrated last night thinking why is my prayer falling on deaf ears! I just assumed early this week that obviously God has something big planned for us at the other end of this and Satan is just wearing me down! Maybe Satan isn't even in this picture and I need to spend my awake time (all the time it seems) answering those 3 questions.

I love my home!

We made it home Sat. evening and are so happy to be back! Brandon kept saying yesterday how he loves our home and I can't agree more. Peyton seems so much more at peace and she is obviously excited to be back in her room with her daddy putting her to bed at night. Our wonderful friend Jeremy came over before we arrived Sat. and mowed our lawn. That was such a nice surprise to come home too because we both expected to see a jungle and Brandon had planned on spending Sunday morning doing the yard work. Thanks Jeremy! Brandon got to relax yesterday instead and do not much of anything but watch football and play with the kids.
Ryan is still sick and not sleeping well. He started throwing up this morning and I was so afraid he had gotten the stomach virus that Peyton had on top of his sinus infection, but we seem to have things under control this afternoon. I think he's just had so much drainage that it was upsetting his stomach and made him a little sick. He's been sleeping most of the afternoon so I was able to cram in three days of Beth Moore study. I don't know that I'll get to go to my study tommorow since he's not feeling well...I can't take him with me and leave him in the childcare. Anyhow...this weeks study has been really good and I will blog about that soon.

I realize that this blog is really plain and boring. I am going to have to have some of you blogging friends come over soon and show me how to post pictures, add links, and throw in some music. I don't know how to do any of that stuff! Well, Ryan is screaming again and Peyton just pooped in her princess panties and painted her face with finger paint so guess I better hold down the fort!

Yeah it's Friday!

Brandon is going to try and leave Dallas at lunch time so hopefully I will get to see him in just a few hours! I have missed him so much the past 5 weeks. Peyton will be thrilled to see him...I think we'll surprise her and let him pick her up from school. I took Ryan back to the doctor this morning after ANOTHER sleepless night. He has a sinus infection so I'm glad we'll have antibiotics this afternoon instead of having to wait till Monday. He ran a really high fever most of the night and is so congested that he can't breathe. I will probably be hallucinating by the time I go to bed tonight since I'm still surviving on such little sleep. Guess I know how Brandon has felt the past few weeks. We decided to go ahead and head home tommorow after lunch. I'm glad...we will be busy just trying to take care of the house when we get home and it will be nice to have half of the weekend to get the yard mowed, everything unpacked, and watch some football hanging out with Daddy. Because come Monday he will be locked in his office. He will be totally swamped with work until after the holidays. I hate that he still has that much stress, but at least we are in the same zip code together again! Well...I have a ton to pack so guess I'd better get busy!

Better Day

Well, despite the fact that I am operating on only 3 hours of sleep again I can finally see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Brandon will be here tommorow night and then he is taking us all home on Sunday. I enjoy spending time with my parents but I am ready to go home. My kids are ready to go home! Brandon is ready to go home! I'm still not feeling good and will probably be taking myself and my kids to see Dr. Castillos and Dr. Ferrell as soon as we get the chance on Monday. Hopefully just being home will help us all! Maybe with daddy sleeping under the same roof Peyton and Ryan will both finally sleep through the night for the first time in well over a month. Well, Peyton will anyhow, Ryan has decided he likes Brandon's schedule and it has been killing me! The boy gets up between 4 and 5 am every morning and wants to stay up after eating his bottle. He cries himself back to sleep every morning because I do not want to play with him at that ungodly hour. I feel bad, but if it was just him and I could sleep when he slept we could do that but he's not an only child!
I am behind by 3 days now on my Beth Moore study. Hopefully I will get caught up this weekend. If nothing else, I'll do it on the drive back to Austin while Brandon is listening to sports radio. I am really going to have to set a schedule for myself when I get home. I want to be successful with my study, I ordered some new work out DVD's today that I am going to make myself do. I did these workouts when I was first married and it actually got me in awesome shape. I was skinny and eating healthy and a lot happier with myself. I'm going to have to work extra hard now after 2 babies. So, I've got to make time for that everyday. Plus Brandon and I have decided to do a bible study of our own. I picked out one today that looks pretty cool. It is a Tommy Nelson study so it will be good. It's called DREAM TEAM: The power of two. It is a study designed to strengthen your marriage and I think it is going to benefit both of us. We could always use good stuff like this, but it is particuarly good for us after this season (the work from hell season) of our marriage. I've only done one other Tommy Nelson study and it was great...we actually went to his church in Denton for a short time when we moved to Providence but didn't find personal connections in that church. I also used to hear him speak at Prestonwood to the singles every week before we got married. I'll let you know how that study is going too....maybe we could lead a marriage study at some point if there is a need at Resonate. So, as you can see my plate is going to be pretty full as far as my time to myself. You only get a small amount of mommy time when you have 2 kids running around on totally different schedules.
I hope that I keep up the blogging too when I get home. It is very helpful to write out all the thoughts that circulate in my head...most of the time anyhow! I am sorry if my last post sounded a little harsh...I didn't intend to make it sound like things weren't going well. I was extremely tired and frustrated and suffered from what my husband calls "verbal diarrhea". And I am rambling right now so I will bring this to an end. Please pray that we have a safe trip home! :-)

The Trouble with Old Appetites

It is interesting to me how we recognize things around us more clearly when they are fresh on our minds. For example when you get a new vehicle you suddenly notice all of the other vehicles on the road that are exactly like yours. You find yourself thinking that you must have good taste since everyone seems to have the car you chose. Why did I never notice all of those cars before? They were always there, I just didn't possess one so I never paid them any attention. I feel like a similar "recognition" has been happening to me since I've acknowledged my lack of contentment issue. My Beth Moore study segment for this week has really spoken to me on this issue. I have been listening to an alternative christian rock station here this week that has had several mini messages on contentment...things that I'm sure are regular messages for them but things that wouldn't have caught my attention before. I have found several scriptures this week that I have wondered why I never discovered before in previous reading. I know...God is hard at work and I am very excited.
As I was driving around town the other day I started having a lot of memories from high school floating around in my mind. I started thinking about all my old friends and all the dreams we had for ourselves. I wondered what it would be like if I was suddenly transported back in time to my senior year knowing everything I know now. The first thing I starting thinking of was all the things I would change about my life, but as I really remembered all of my teenage hopes it occured to me that God has answered most all of my heart's desires since that time. I grew up with a very secure and loving family environment, but I had so many friends who didn't. One of my biggest desires was to have a wonderful, devoted, and loving husband and God more than supplied that for me in Brandon. I always wanted kids and though it seemed for a short time that God had different plans, again I was blessed beyond measure with Peyton and Ryan. I had a desire to be a stay at home mom and God supplied my husband with an awesome job that allows me to do that. I wanted wonderful, close friends who would love me for who I am and although those are few, God has brought me a wonderful "choosen family" that I get to do life with daily. My list could go on and on with all the provisions he has graciously given. I am astonished after realizing all of those things that I struggle being content.
My Beth Moore study this week was very convicting and insightful. This week's lessons focused on the first half of Exodus and the journey into the wilderness for the children of Israel. God was very physically present among his people during this time and through his closeness with these people he tested them often. Beth Moore pointed out that not all of God's tests are hardships, but He often tests us through abundance and prosperity. Personally, I had never acknowledged that revelation before. Usually, I only feel tested when things start to suck! This testing proves our character and Beth went on to say that our character is often at greater risk in prosperity than in adversity. This is a little segment from that lesson:
In the wilderness of sin God set a test before His children. In essence He responded to their grumblings like this: "I have shown you My presence again and again. I have intervened on your behalf with signs and wonders. I have healed your bitter water and have led you to the palms. I have also let you go hungry so that you would know that it is I who feeds you. Now I will put you through the hardest test of all: I will let you grow accustomed to My presence. I will feed you from My table daily and prove who you really are. Will you grow in awe, or will you grow cold?"

Sadly I must say that lately I have grown cold...or lukewarm, which is actually worse. God has provided so much in abundance the past several years. This past year in particular with our move to Hutto and starting this new church. He has been faithful and continues to show up time after time. I expect Him to be there instead of seeking and inviting Him to be there. Just like any romantic relationship needs pursuit to keep the fire going, so does my relationship with God. Gifts received from a stranger or mere aquaintance can easily be thrown away,pushed aside, or taken for granted. Gifts received from a loved one seem to have so much more value because of the heart behind them. Maybe if I valued the Giver of all my blessings a little more my heart would be content. Good things to pray about!

A Mommy's Interpretation of 1 Corinthians 13

God has been working on my relationship with my kids alot during this time of being a single parent while Brandon is away. I feel like Peyton and I have made so much progress and a lot of my frustrations with our interactions has melted away. I found this beautiful interpretation on a friend's blog this morning and it made me cry. I wanted to share it with all of my other mommy friends and hope it brings new light to loving our precious gifts from God.


"If I’m poetic and profound all day but don’t love my kids, I’m just like an annoying never-ending educational film.

If I teach my kids to memorize the whole Bible, giving my kids a deep understanding of God’s mysteries and making academics a breeze for them; if I have trained them to clean the whole house when I snap my fingers, to be quiet, still and compliant, but don’t love my kids, I’m worse than a dead-beat parent refusing to pay child support.

If I don’t buy myself jewelry, new clothes or anything nice ever again, but spend every penny on my children, if I’m a real “martyr mom” staying up all night working on their birthday parties, Halloween costumes, and decorating their rooms, but don’t love them personally and deeply, they might as well be orphans.

So no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m worse than useless without love.

Loving my kids means never giving up (on them, on their father, on the family, on their future.)

Love is patient with a “screamer,” kind to a “brat.”

Love cares more for her children’s joyful fulfillment than for her own “self-actualization”.

Love doesn’t expect her kids to be something they’re not, doesn’t wish they were more like somebody else’s kids. Doesn’t brag about their achievements and live for that vicarious glory.

Love doesn’t tyrannize her children, or rudely wish they’d go away.

Love doesn’t condescend to her kids or force her own paradigms and agendas on them. Isn’t always “me first.” But loves them with reckless abandon (sometimes saying goodbye forever to careers, traveling the world, old interests and dreams, and, of course, that “bikini body!”)

Love doesn’t fly off the handle or scream at her children. Doesn’t yank them around or cringe in embarrassment when they just act like kids. Doesn’t tally up the disobedience from the whole week and get progressively furious. Especially doesn’t get angry with one child because another has been misbehaving.

Love doesn’t revel when her kids grovel, doesn’t gloat when they finally feel terrible for their offenses.

Love delights when her children grow in truth, beaming when they first glimpse God’s holy light.

Love protects these precious people, guarding their bodies, hearts, and minds.

Love puts up with anything (a sick baby, a handicap, another “accident” on the new carpet.)Always trusts God with her children (even when he seems to have such a different plan for them.)Constantly looks for the best in her kids (even if it’s not what was expected.)Never looks back (at life before kids!)But keeps going (mothering) to the end.

Love never dies.

Love is eternal.

Love thinks about her children, praying for them, each day of her entire life.

We have three things to do for our children: Trust God to be glorious in their lives, be a pillar of hope by expecting his best for them, and love them wildly."

I Rock!

So Brandon talked me into playing Fantasy Football with him this year and I must say that I am having a lot of fun. He has done it for years and I always rolled my eyes hearing every detail about all of his players and their stats. I thought it was pretty silly, but I have changed my mind. He was so excited when I told him I would play this year and he bugged me for weeks ahead of time about who I was going to choose in my draft. I am not the huge football fanatic that he is so I had to print out a list of all the players and I just kind of ranked them all according to who I remebered hearing about. Couldn't tell you what half of them looked like or what team they were on when I picked, but apparently I'm pretty good at this fantasy football.

There are 12 teams on our league, most of them guys, in fact our league name is Texas Boys. I don't know if the founder was trying to discourage female participation or what but I'm sure he's wishing that was the case (right Brent?) I named my team Mama Rules and I picked a damn good name because I am kicking everybody's arse right now! I am the only team who is undefeated. I was the highest scorer this past week and am the top scoring team overall. I have the #1 quarterback (and no I didn't pick Peyton Manning), #3 and 4 running backs, and the #7 reciever. Who knew my team would rock! I realize we are just 3 weeks into the season, but I play Brandon's team this week and he sucks. So I will be 4-0 next week. This Mama Rules! :-)

Daddy Day

This weekend has gone by way too fast. Brandon was able to come spend a day with us and it was the first time the kids have seen him in almost 3 weeks. Feels like it had already been months since we last saw him. He got in late Friday night and had to leave early this morning after breakfast. He's already back in Dallas and hard at work again. Brandon told me that he added up his hours that he worked last week and from Monday to Friday he had 83 hours. That doesn't count the entire day last Sunday that he worked so he is definately a bit stressed out right now. I've never seen him so exhausted as he was while he was here. He slept in Sat. morning and pretty much napped any time we weren't doing anything yesterday. We took Peyton and Ryan to the zoo and that was our main event yesterday. The kids and I were just so happy to see him that it didn't matter that we laid around the rest of the day!
This morning was hard...I started trying to prepare Peyton yesterday for daddy leaving today but it still didn't go well. She stood in the driveway screaming his name and crying as he drove off this morning. She has been extremely moody today so I'm trying extra hard to keep her entertained. We just got back from Gattiland and she is down for a nap. Hopefully she will wake up in a happy mood! Three weeks down, three more to go.
Brandon if you are reading this, thank you for coming home this weekend! We had fun and lots of good daddy time. I'm praying for you this week and hope we get to see you again soon. Love you!

I Keep Looking

Well, it has been a crazy couple of days. I am in Abilene now visiting my parents while Brandon is still hard at work in Dallas. I didn't intend to come home until the beginning of October, but after a couple of bad nights with the kids I was exhausted and had to call in the reinforcements. So, here I am in the house I grew up in and I am contemplating how I am going to pass the time the next couple of weeks. Abilene is not a big town, but it isn't tiny either. We have an air force base here and I would guess about 160,000 people live here. I just always find myself in a weird emotional place when I get here. Part of me always feels safe being here, but I also feel strangely out of place. Like I left this place behind and should stay gone. My parents have lived here for about 30 years and they have recently decided they would like to move to Austin. I am hopeful that they can and would love to have them close. I'm also afraid that it is a little unrealistic for them to do financially. We'll have to see how all of that works out. Anyhow...I guess what I struggle with most when I am here visiting is a feeling of being stuck.
On the drive here this weekend we passed through several tiny little towns and I found myself wondering how people could live in these places and be happy. What did they do for a living? Where do you shop? What do you do for fun besides tip cows? How did you get stuck here? I just think to myself that these people must be miserable. I would be! And that is where God has just blatently pointed out to me that I am out of touch with reality. I am the most discontent person in the world and I have been all my life. If you look up discontentment in the dictionary you will find that it means not being satisfied, a restless desire or craving for something one does not have. This is my daily struggle, this is part of my depression issue, this is a handicap to all my relationships and the root of my self esteem issues! I just came across an old Sara Evans song that I used to love and it is dead on with what goes on inside me every day. (I don't know how to add the fancy music to my blog, so you'll just have to read the lyrics)

I Keep Looking

Back when I was young
Couldn't wait to grow up
Get away and get out on my own
And looking back now
Ain't it funny how
I've been trying to get back home, yeah

When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me
And I find me a perfect catch
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends
Then I don't wanna get quite so attached
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more

Well, the straight haired girls
They all want curls
And the brunettes wanna be blonde
It's your typical thing
You got yin you want yang
It just goes on and on
They say, hey, it's only human
To never be satisfied
Well I guess that I'm as human as the next one

Oh, I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
Yeah, I keep looking
Looking for something more

All of the things in the song seem so frivolous, but it goes deeper than that. I am so irritated that this is something that constantly plagues me. I'm also sad that it is still such a big deal with me since I've become a believer. It tells me that I am not trusting God in his promises as my source of joy. It makes me feel like I havn't progressed in my relationship with Christ like I should. This is something that I need to be working on right now. I am glad that these emotions have caused all of this to surface and I am aware. If I honestly look at my attitude lately and any conflict in my life, most of it stems from this problem. Hopefully this time here in Abilene will propel me to search the bible for some solutions to dealing with contentment. I have felt it a lot lately...that empty feeling after buying something you thought would make you happy. Conversations that happen (or don't happen) with people who are suppose to be close, but you can't find any depth that fills you up. Just complete unsatisfaction with myself as far as what I have, where I live, how I look, my daily life routines! Obviously I am looking in all the wrong places for joy.

I am still doing my Beth Moore study...actually I have even more time now to devote to it...and I am getting a lot out of it. I think it will be a very critical first step for getting myself back on track. The entire study is about the construction of the tabernacle as God's dwelling place among his people. This study is translating that building into the construction of our hearts as God's dwelling place. I will try to blog about some of those lessons as I go along. If you struggle with contentment, send me an email and let me know what has helped you out.

Good Start

I am so amazed at how getting into God's word can totally turn my entire being upside down. I just finished my first day of homework in the Beth Moore study I am doing called A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place and I almost can't even describe how amazing I am feeling. I didn't sleep well last night and Ryan got up at 5:45 this morning to eat. He finished his bottle and I put him back in his crib at 6:15 and I so wanted to crawl back into bed and try and sleep another hour. I knew though that if I was going to be successful at this study that I just started yesterday that I needed to make myself go downstairs and do Day One. If I wait until evening when the kids go to bed, I rush through it so I can go to sleep because I am exhausted being a single parent at the moment. The war in your mind when you really don't want to make yourself do something can be pretty intense. I was actually stumbling down the stairs this morning and feeling quite miserable and already trying to start my personal pity party for the day. Anyhow...I got my bible out and said a quick prayer to get started. Then I hear Ryan crying and I'm just thinking to myself "I'm trying God, can you just please help me out!" I decide to go ahead and press on, hoping Ryan doesn't wake his sister since that will really put an end to my lesson. After 15 minutes, Ryan is back asleep and I was fully engaged in my study. I spent 45 minutes in God's word this morning and I can't believe what a different place I am in mentally right now! I am not feeling physically exhausted anymore. I'm sitting here crying right now because I have missed this connection with God. It has been a year since I have spent this much time with Him and I am wondering how I have let myself be so disconnected with him. I have more hope this morning than I have had in a long time. This past week of being alone has been very disheartening to me, but I know that if I wasn't going through this right now I would still be living everyday relying on myself or Brandon to get me through. You might even be thinking as you are reading this that I must be a new believer if I'm just now realizing all of this. I've been a Christ follower for about 8 years now. Unfortuantely instead of walking beside Him or even right behind Him, I have stood still and let him become a speck in my line of vision. I am ready to move forward and I am praying that I will fearlessly pursue Him. I know He is standing there waiting for me knowing I have realized that any changes he is going to ask me to make in my life are going to be welcome to the stale existance I've lived the past year.

Crazy ideas

I love to listen to music and I absolutely love to sing. Unfortunately my singing voice is not very pleasant to hear....even my 2 year old has come over and covered my mouth with her hand in a nice request for me to stop butchering whatever song she is trying to enjoy. If God ever told me that he would change anything about myself to be whatever I wanted, I would actually take a singing voice over bigger boobs (obviously that is not on the list of blessings for Cindy since I was totally cheated of ever having any despite two pregnancies!) I really wish I could sing! I would do it for a living and love it! But, I don't think that voice lessons would be able to help so I will just continue to sing in my car and the shower.
I do feel like I have pretty good musical skills. I took piano lessons when I was in elementary school and I played until college. I can read music and would probably still play some if I actually had a piano. My parents sold theirs when I moved out since I was the only one who used it. I played the violin for 2 years as well. I wasn't as good at that and that was mainly because I lost interest in it quickly and never practiced. My parents didn't appreciate my flip decision and made me continue playing since they spent all the money on the nice violin. I hated it so much that I use to compete for last chair when I was in high school orchestra! There was another girl who was being forced to endure orchestra with our horrible teacher(Mr. Best...I think he was arrested for some reason last year) and we decided it was much more fun to sit at the very back and visit during class instead of playing. Every week each violin had to play a short piece of music to see where you would sit. Obviously the best musician would have the first seat and whatever number chair you ended up determined how good you were. Hillary and I would honestly compete to see who would be last chair. We would suck so bad that some people would laugh when we got done playing. Our teacher was so disgusted by the end of the semester that I don't think he made us play anymore...she and I just switched seats everyday so we could talk to different people and get everyone else in trouble.
I have always thought it would be really cool to play the drums. That request was denied by the parents when I was in high school...we didn't have money to buy a drum set anyways. My last boyfriend before I met Brandon attempted to play the drums. (Actually, if you've ever been to Disney World in Florida and had your picture taken with Goofey, then you have a photo of yourself with my ex. Yes...he is a LOOSER!) Anyhow, Scott never took lessons. He just kind of taught himself, but he would occasionally let me play around on his drums. He didn't take me very seriously when I told him I wanted to learn. Actually I'm sure he probably knew that I would be better at it than him and felt threatened by that!
Well, for some reason I have really had the drum playing thing on my mind lately. I would talk to Brandon about it, but then I would tell myself that I am too old to try and learn how to do that now. I'm a stay at home mom...when am I going to have time to take lessons? Plus, my kids go to bed at 8 so when and where would I be able to practice! I think the more I talked about it, the more intrigued my husband became. He suggested that he would get me a drum set for Christmas if this was something I really wanted to do and would make myself practice. I actually found a drummer last week who will be teaching soon and offered to give me lessons. So, I guess I'm going to have an early mid-life crisis and try to become a rock star! I do have my nose pierced so I may as well try to become a bad ass drummer. My friend Amanda (who happens to already resemble Pink) is wanting to learn to play the guitar. We'll just both take our lessons and start our own band! And our children will be totally embarrased by their mom's rocking out in the garage when their friends want to come over and hang after school! I'm just kidding....I hope Peyton will want to learn to play too...she already has the attitude!

Halloween Costume Ideas?

O.k. I know it's a little early, but I'm trying to decide what to do for the kids Halloween costumes this year. I would like to do something for Ryan and Peyton that are related or match in some way. I spent an hour online this morning looking at costumes. I've only found a few things I like. I found an adorable Peter Pan costume for Ryan and I could have Peyton be Tinkerbell. Or, I found a cool Superman costume and Peyton could either be Supergirl or Wonderwoman. I'm so not into super heros at all....is Supergirl a real character or just a cheesy excuse to have a girl superman costume? I used to like Wonderwoman and the costume is really cute, but will work if it's not cold since it is sleeveless and has a skirt. Wonderwoman doesn't have a male counterpart does she? Anyhow...let me know your thoughts!

Back to Blogging

Brandon left this morning for his month and half long trip. I have no idea when I will see him or how often between now and the end of October. He leaves the country on Saturday and will be overseas for the week and then he will be in Dallas the rest of the time. Please pray that he has a safe trip. I decided to stay here for the entire month of September with the kids. My plan is to go to Abilene the first two weeks of October. I'm sure by then I will be in desparate need of a break! So, now that I'm home alone with no one to have a decent conversation with I'm sure I will be blogging a bit more than usual! Peyton will be going to mother's day out every day this month so I will have a little bit of a break for at least 4 hours every day. Ryan is teething right now and it is sucking! He cries all the time and we still don't have one tooth yet. I don't remember Peyton having a hard time at all when she got teeth so this is a new thing I'm dealing with. I thought we had Peyton's potty training down, but I was wrong! The first two weeks we started she had hardly any accidents and loved going to the potty. I was excited because I hadn't expected it to be so easy. We were wearing pull ups and everything was going great. For some reason on the 3rd week she decided going to the potty wasn't so cool after all. We have battled and struggled the past two weeks. She doesn't want to go and gets upset when you take her in there and make her sit. She will purposely wait until you put a new pull up on her and then she'll go after she just got off the potty. So, I am not willing to keep spending a fortune on the pull ups and fighting with her so we are back in diapers. One of my friends had a similar thing happen with her daughter and their doctor told her that she wasn't ready to be potty trained. I figured we would wait another couple of months and try again. Peyton has all kinds of issues when Brandon is gone anyways so I'm not going to add to it! Peyton will be starting dance class next week. It is a 30 minute class that is a combo of tap and ballet for 2 year olds. I'm hoping that goes well. I think she is going to love it! Anytime there is music playing she starts dancing and she watched her friend Kylie do this class last year and she is always copying what she saw Kylie do.
I hope this month goes by quickly! I am going to try and keep myself busy. I signed up for a Beth Moore study on Tuesday mornings with Lifepoint. We've got enough things going on with our own church that should help fill the time as well. Who knows, maybe this time alone with the kids will be wonderful! Maybe I'll get some new habits and routines started so I'm not so bored and down all the time. I bought a new pilates work out video today. It has 5 different 10 minute workouts targeting separate areas of the body. I figured I would start with that since I'm working out 0 minutes a day at the moment. I'll let you know how that goes later this week!

No Time

Wow! It has been a month since I blogged. I knew it was going to be hard for me to be consistent with this. We have had a ton of stuff going on the past month. I was even kid free for an entire week, but so busy cleaning my house that I didn't stop to write. We have had many visitors lately staying with us and are even now waiting for more company. Brandon's brother Cary and his wife Natalie came to visit for a week. They live in California and it was great to see them! This is the longest period we have gone between visits and unfortunately it may be a while before we see them again. Of course it rained most of the time they were here so we didn't get to do much fun outdoor stuff. But, they are the kind of family that you can just sit around and do nothing with and have a great time. While they were here, we celebrated Peyton's 2nd birthday. I cannot believe she is already two...time has flown by! We had a beach bash in the back yard and thank goodness it didn't rain that morning. She had a great time! If you ask her how old she is she will hold up 5 fingers and tell you she is nine. Don't know why she is stuck on that number, but that is the answer we get every time!
Brandon's dad Jim and his wife Joan will be here this weekend. They are driving from California and planning on staying a few weeks. I think that will be fun too. Unfortunately Brandon will have to work while they are here, but they are also easy to hang out with and not have to do much of anything. Brandon has been in Dallas the past two days so I am killing time tonight waiting for him to get home. I hate it when he is gone and we are about to go through a really tough time with his work schedule. He just told me his schedule for the upcoming months and he will be gone almost the entire month of September and half of October. I am having such a bad attitude about it right now. I know this is coming every year and I dread the time, but it gets harder with each kid you have! I don't know how anyone is a single parent and stays sain! I will definately need a lot of prayer during this time. I know God is trying to teach me a lot of things while I go through this time and it will hopefully make me a much stronger person. I also get a little apprehensive though that he is preparing me for something bad. Sometimes I wonder if there will be a day that Brandon doesn't make it home from a trip and all of this is just preparation for me being alone. Some of you reading this may think that is a bit of a stretch and very morbid, but that is a very serious fear that I have and don't usually talk about. Anyhow...don't want to think about that right now since Brandon is on the road as we speak. He is very tired and sounds like he is getting really sick too last time I talked to him. Hopefully I will have time to write again soon and post some pictures too.

Rules of Engagement

This was the title of our session this past weekend on conflict in marriage. I benefited a lot from this particular talk mainly because I don't have a lot of experience with conflict and it really throws me for a loop when I have it with Brandon. I was very lucky to grow up in a family that had very little conflict. My parents have been married almost 36 years and I don't think I ever saw them argue until I was an adult. I know they had conflict...you can't have marriage without it or any other intimate relationship for that matter...but they never let my brothers or I see them fight. I am so grateful for that. My parents still live in the same house I grew up in and I can't tell you what a comforting and peaceful place that is. I know it was because I grew up so secure that they weren't going anywhere and they were happy. I am definately not complaining, but I also feel like I'm a little handicapped by that lack of experience with arguments and fights. In fact I never had a fight with anyone growing up, never in school or with friends. I avoided it like the plague. Now I'm not saying I never got mad at anyone or majorly had my feelings hurt, I just didn't do anything about it. I am a very non-confrontational person. I actually get a little freaked out if people get really angry with me and yell at me. My response always makes me look like the biggest looser ever...I cry if you yell! Not because I am scared or intimidated, I am usually pretty furious myself, I just don't know how to express those feelings with so much gusto!

I am getting better though. Something about 6 years of marriage and 2 kids will do that for you. I will yell if Brandon yells first, but only when it goes on for a few minutes and his tone isn't changing. I actually feel better when I break things though. Unfortunately I break my own objects instead of the offenders. My new phone should be here by Friday and I have missed it enough that I'll make sure it isn't flying next time I get upset. I must say though that Brandon and I rarely fight...I think I can count on one hand the number of times we have "fought". We have discussions quite frequently, but never anything that usually gets really hurtful and mean. I am grateful for that, especially since Brandon grew up in a family that fought and yelled. We do not want Peyton and Ryan to be in a home with parents that argue and yell a lot so we are committed to having our arguments in private and I pray that we can actually do that. I am a person who actually stuffs a lot of anger and then it will just take something random and meaningless to set it off.

Anyhow...back to what I was reminded of this weekend. A lot of this stuff were things you always hear in pre-marital counciling, but it is nice to be reminded. I realized that I have a really bad habit of expecting certain things from Brandon without actually sharing with him what I want/need. You would think after 6 years of marriage he would just know, but apparently he isn't a mind reader. The comment was made that conflict happens when we are not getting what we want. That puts it into a very selfish context for me. I always thought of it as happening when somebody does something hurtful or does something to me. Not me being upset when I don't get what I want, that makes me sound like a child, but that is exactly what it is! They also talked about how couples can be so critical of each other. Of course it was presented in a way to show that being critical of others weaknesses means that I am out of touch with my own weaknesses. If I was aware of all my weaknesses I would be much better at giving someone grace with theirs. Good stuff to think about, that is for sure! The thing that was said that impacted me the most was this: We want to be loved unconditionally, but we don't want to be the unconditional lover! How true is that!

Brandon and I are in a great place in our marriage right now and things are finally settling down having the new baby. But don't think the past year hasn't been full of challenges and discussions! I know if I want things to be better in my marriage that I am the one who has to pray about being changed. It's not my job to mold or manipulate Brandon into what I want him to be. My parents marriage was one I wanted when I was growing up. The one important thing missing in their marriage though is God. Knowing that, I am amazed sometimes at how well they have done with their relationship as well as the one with their children. I want my marriage to be such a testimony to Christ. I don't want people to think "They seem so happy and content, how do they do that?" I do want people to think "Wow, that kind of love shows without a doubt how much those two love God!"

Weekend to Remember

Brandon and I just got home from a wonderful marriage conference that Family Life does that is called Weekend to Remember. My parents were so sweet to come to Hutto for the weekend to keep Ryan and Peyton so that Brandon and I could go to this 3 day event. It was held in the Austin Sheraton downtown and was the escape I have been desperately needing for quite a while now. I realized this past weekend just how fragile my emotional/mental state has been lately since I cried more the past 3 days than I have cried in a long time. I've dealt with depression quite a bit since college and unfortunately it is rearing it's ugly head again...this time as post-partum. I tend to hold stuff in a lot until it just overflows and this weekend happened to be the explosion. I felt so bad that Brandon had to watch me well up over and over to the point that I was frustrated I was crying so much. I'm sure the people around us thought we were attending this thing as a last resort for our marriage since I couldn't stop the tears and I'm still sporting my beautiful black eye my daughter gave me over a week ago! Anyhow...the conference was great and we learned so much good stuff. We had a great date night on Sat. night even though I was ready for bed well before 10:00. I spent a good part of the weekend yawning too since I was so exhausted. We had several bad nights with the kids last week and that is just really hard to recover from after several days of no sleep!

I will probably blog later about some of the quality marriage discussions we enjoyed. But, today I just wanted to talk about one of the sessions I sat through this morning that was just for the women. It was all about embracing God's wonderful design for us as women. I have really been struggling and beating myself up a lot lately about my parenting, particularly with Peyton. I feel like I have been a horrible stay at home mom who is not investing in my kids like I want to daily, but just surviving until I can put them to bed at night! I don't have a good routine and I just feel like I'm using my fatigue as an excuse to be lazy. I think this is causing a bunch of anger deep down that I obviously don't know how to deal with and it is definately spilling over into my patience level with my husband and kids. I have never had these feelings of anger so much or so deep in my entire life and I'm not use to dealing with these kinds of feelings every day. I feel like I have been treading water for the past 3 months and if I don't do something soon I am going to drown.

So, back to the session this morning. The question was " How does a woman become the kind of wife and mother God has designed her to be?" Obviously I have no clue was the first thing that came to my mind. The whole discussion this morning was based on these 4 answers. 1.) She prioritizes wisely 2.)She respects and supports her husband. 3.) She teaches and trains her children 4.) She depends on God. All of these answers were discussed in detail and I enjoyed all of those discussions. The one that really struck a chord with me this morning was the one about being a mother. I need to INTENTIONALLY pursue being a mother to Peyton and Ryan. I think a lot of times I just try to roll with the punches everyday instead of getting up and praying about being intentional. A woman's home is the place from which she can change the world! Wow, that statement made me reevaluate my feelings about my home. Most of the time I feel bored and trapped being home everyday and can't wait to get out! I have been guilty of feeling less important as a person since I am just a stay at home mom. I forget what a noble task God has given me to teach and mold these beautiful babies he has blessed me with into people with character, values, and a heart for him. That is so overwhelming! It is so easy to feel like a failure too when you are dealing with so many discipline problems and feeling like I am already messing up the task God has assigned me.
I've never been a big fan of the Proverbs 31 woman! What parallel universe would I have to live in to even come close to being that woman? Something new came to my attention about that chapter of Proverbs today. That woman who seems to effortlessly manage to be perfect is really just a mom and wife who relied on God to become the wife and mother he wanted her to be. Everything she did, she did for her family and not herself. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I became a mom. It amazes me how selfish I am! I am learning in a new way what it is like to put yourself last and I can't say I enjoy it much at all. But, if I am going to be what God intends for me to be then I must choose to place the needs of my family ahead of the expression of my other interests and talents. That is a hard thing to do!

This is just a new season in my life. I am a mom! As my friend Amanda has told me, this is not my decade! It is not about me anymore and it won't be for a long time. I am praying that God will continue to show me how to get my "self" out of the way so my kids can have the mom he desires for them to have. Well...I am so tired that some of this might not even be making sense anymore. Time for bed!

Fury of a two year old

Today has been a difficult day with my daughter Peyton. She is almost two and has had the two year old attitude since she was about 14 months old! From the time she got up at 6 am this morning, she has been a royal pain in my butt! Or, I guess I should say eye since she gave me the first black eye today that I have ever had in my life! That's right, I am sporting a huge shiner thanks to my daughter's rage. By the time we got to lunch today the child had recieved more spankings than she has had in her short life. I had just finished cleaning up all the ravioli off the floor that she threw off the table in her anger (don't know where she's learned to throw things when she's mad!) and the soda she decided to pour all over the wall 30 minutes earlier. We decided to go to Lowe's so I was attempting to change her clothes while she was sitting in my lap on the floor when she threw her head back as hard as she could and hit me in the face. I actually saw stars, she hit me so hard! I thought she had gashed open the skin above my eye...that's what it felt like at first, but I didn't feel any blood. I'm proud to say that I gently set her in her crib, instead of tossing her, and went to inspect the damage. Within 2 minutes I had a black and purple egg above my eye. Having never been hit before, Brandon told me to immediately put ice on it to stop the swelling. Great...now I didn't feel like going anywhere. Peyton also happened to misplace my sunglasses two days ago so I couldn't hide my ugly face! I asked Brandon if he wanted to go out in public with me and face the ugly looks he was sure to get since it appeared he might be an abusive spouse. He thought about it a few minutes and then concluded quite humorously that my black eye paired with my nose ring (I pierced it last week with a friend) would surely have people guessing that I got into a chick fight. He told me that if anyone starred or dared to say something to me, all I should do is inform them that they "should see the other girl" and walk away. I'm sure they would buy that story as they see me load my cool minivan with my two kids!

All this said, I will not be making very many public appearances the next few days. I've also got some kind of scratch on my neck (I don't know which child that came from) that my husband thinks looks like a hickie. That is a mark he said he would take credit for! Wow, I'm reading back over everything I've written thinking I sound a little bit white trash today. Maybe looking at myself in my grandma style cover up I've been wearing to plant flowers in this afternoon is making me feel this way! I'm sure the neighbors who have seen me outside today are thinking I'm pretty classy! :-)

Give it a try!

I guess I'll try out this blogging thing and see how we do. I spend so much of the few minutes of free time I have reading all of my friends blogs, so I really don't know when I'll have time to write my own. Don't expect a daily blog from me...we'll be doing great to get in a weekly blurb. Since I overanalyze everything I put on paper, don't expect them to be long! With the fog of a new baby still hanging over my head, they might not make much sense either. I promise I am usually an intelligent and interesting person with all kinds of things to share. I get easily sidetracked though by poopy diapers and toddler gymnastics off the dining room table so please forgive any airheaded rants! With that in mind please leave only nice comments when you send me a message!