Rules of Engagement

This was the title of our session this past weekend on conflict in marriage. I benefited a lot from this particular talk mainly because I don't have a lot of experience with conflict and it really throws me for a loop when I have it with Brandon. I was very lucky to grow up in a family that had very little conflict. My parents have been married almost 36 years and I don't think I ever saw them argue until I was an adult. I know they had conflict...you can't have marriage without it or any other intimate relationship for that matter...but they never let my brothers or I see them fight. I am so grateful for that. My parents still live in the same house I grew up in and I can't tell you what a comforting and peaceful place that is. I know it was because I grew up so secure that they weren't going anywhere and they were happy. I am definately not complaining, but I also feel like I'm a little handicapped by that lack of experience with arguments and fights. In fact I never had a fight with anyone growing up, never in school or with friends. I avoided it like the plague. Now I'm not saying I never got mad at anyone or majorly had my feelings hurt, I just didn't do anything about it. I am a very non-confrontational person. I actually get a little freaked out if people get really angry with me and yell at me. My response always makes me look like the biggest looser ever...I cry if you yell! Not because I am scared or intimidated, I am usually pretty furious myself, I just don't know how to express those feelings with so much gusto!

I am getting better though. Something about 6 years of marriage and 2 kids will do that for you. I will yell if Brandon yells first, but only when it goes on for a few minutes and his tone isn't changing. I actually feel better when I break things though. Unfortunately I break my own objects instead of the offenders. My new phone should be here by Friday and I have missed it enough that I'll make sure it isn't flying next time I get upset. I must say though that Brandon and I rarely fight...I think I can count on one hand the number of times we have "fought". We have discussions quite frequently, but never anything that usually gets really hurtful and mean. I am grateful for that, especially since Brandon grew up in a family that fought and yelled. We do not want Peyton and Ryan to be in a home with parents that argue and yell a lot so we are committed to having our arguments in private and I pray that we can actually do that. I am a person who actually stuffs a lot of anger and then it will just take something random and meaningless to set it off.

Anyhow...back to what I was reminded of this weekend. A lot of this stuff were things you always hear in pre-marital counciling, but it is nice to be reminded. I realized that I have a really bad habit of expecting certain things from Brandon without actually sharing with him what I want/need. You would think after 6 years of marriage he would just know, but apparently he isn't a mind reader. The comment was made that conflict happens when we are not getting what we want. That puts it into a very selfish context for me. I always thought of it as happening when somebody does something hurtful or does something to me. Not me being upset when I don't get what I want, that makes me sound like a child, but that is exactly what it is! They also talked about how couples can be so critical of each other. Of course it was presented in a way to show that being critical of others weaknesses means that I am out of touch with my own weaknesses. If I was aware of all my weaknesses I would be much better at giving someone grace with theirs. Good stuff to think about, that is for sure! The thing that was said that impacted me the most was this: We want to be loved unconditionally, but we don't want to be the unconditional lover! How true is that!

Brandon and I are in a great place in our marriage right now and things are finally settling down having the new baby. But don't think the past year hasn't been full of challenges and discussions! I know if I want things to be better in my marriage that I am the one who has to pray about being changed. It's not my job to mold or manipulate Brandon into what I want him to be. My parents marriage was one I wanted when I was growing up. The one important thing missing in their marriage though is God. Knowing that, I am amazed sometimes at how well they have done with their relationship as well as the one with their children. I want my marriage to be such a testimony to Christ. I don't want people to think "They seem so happy and content, how do they do that?" I do want people to think "Wow, that kind of love shows without a doubt how much those two love God!"