Weekend to Remember

Brandon and I just got home from a wonderful marriage conference that Family Life does that is called Weekend to Remember. My parents were so sweet to come to Hutto for the weekend to keep Ryan and Peyton so that Brandon and I could go to this 3 day event. It was held in the Austin Sheraton downtown and was the escape I have been desperately needing for quite a while now. I realized this past weekend just how fragile my emotional/mental state has been lately since I cried more the past 3 days than I have cried in a long time. I've dealt with depression quite a bit since college and unfortunately it is rearing it's ugly head again...this time as post-partum. I tend to hold stuff in a lot until it just overflows and this weekend happened to be the explosion. I felt so bad that Brandon had to watch me well up over and over to the point that I was frustrated I was crying so much. I'm sure the people around us thought we were attending this thing as a last resort for our marriage since I couldn't stop the tears and I'm still sporting my beautiful black eye my daughter gave me over a week ago! Anyhow...the conference was great and we learned so much good stuff. We had a great date night on Sat. night even though I was ready for bed well before 10:00. I spent a good part of the weekend yawning too since I was so exhausted. We had several bad nights with the kids last week and that is just really hard to recover from after several days of no sleep!

I will probably blog later about some of the quality marriage discussions we enjoyed. But, today I just wanted to talk about one of the sessions I sat through this morning that was just for the women. It was all about embracing God's wonderful design for us as women. I have really been struggling and beating myself up a lot lately about my parenting, particularly with Peyton. I feel like I have been a horrible stay at home mom who is not investing in my kids like I want to daily, but just surviving until I can put them to bed at night! I don't have a good routine and I just feel like I'm using my fatigue as an excuse to be lazy. I think this is causing a bunch of anger deep down that I obviously don't know how to deal with and it is definately spilling over into my patience level with my husband and kids. I have never had these feelings of anger so much or so deep in my entire life and I'm not use to dealing with these kinds of feelings every day. I feel like I have been treading water for the past 3 months and if I don't do something soon I am going to drown.

So, back to the session this morning. The question was " How does a woman become the kind of wife and mother God has designed her to be?" Obviously I have no clue was the first thing that came to my mind. The whole discussion this morning was based on these 4 answers. 1.) She prioritizes wisely 2.)She respects and supports her husband. 3.) She teaches and trains her children 4.) She depends on God. All of these answers were discussed in detail and I enjoyed all of those discussions. The one that really struck a chord with me this morning was the one about being a mother. I need to INTENTIONALLY pursue being a mother to Peyton and Ryan. I think a lot of times I just try to roll with the punches everyday instead of getting up and praying about being intentional. A woman's home is the place from which she can change the world! Wow, that statement made me reevaluate my feelings about my home. Most of the time I feel bored and trapped being home everyday and can't wait to get out! I have been guilty of feeling less important as a person since I am just a stay at home mom. I forget what a noble task God has given me to teach and mold these beautiful babies he has blessed me with into people with character, values, and a heart for him. That is so overwhelming! It is so easy to feel like a failure too when you are dealing with so many discipline problems and feeling like I am already messing up the task God has assigned me.
I've never been a big fan of the Proverbs 31 woman! What parallel universe would I have to live in to even come close to being that woman? Something new came to my attention about that chapter of Proverbs today. That woman who seems to effortlessly manage to be perfect is really just a mom and wife who relied on God to become the wife and mother he wanted her to be. Everything she did, she did for her family and not herself. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I became a mom. It amazes me how selfish I am! I am learning in a new way what it is like to put yourself last and I can't say I enjoy it much at all. But, if I am going to be what God intends for me to be then I must choose to place the needs of my family ahead of the expression of my other interests and talents. That is a hard thing to do!

This is just a new season in my life. I am a mom! As my friend Amanda has told me, this is not my decade! It is not about me anymore and it won't be for a long time. I am praying that God will continue to show me how to get my "self" out of the way so my kids can have the mom he desires for them to have. Well...I am so tired that some of this might not even be making sense anymore. Time for bed!