I Keep Looking

Well, it has been a crazy couple of days. I am in Abilene now visiting my parents while Brandon is still hard at work in Dallas. I didn't intend to come home until the beginning of October, but after a couple of bad nights with the kids I was exhausted and had to call in the reinforcements. So, here I am in the house I grew up in and I am contemplating how I am going to pass the time the next couple of weeks. Abilene is not a big town, but it isn't tiny either. We have an air force base here and I would guess about 160,000 people live here. I just always find myself in a weird emotional place when I get here. Part of me always feels safe being here, but I also feel strangely out of place. Like I left this place behind and should stay gone. My parents have lived here for about 30 years and they have recently decided they would like to move to Austin. I am hopeful that they can and would love to have them close. I'm also afraid that it is a little unrealistic for them to do financially. We'll have to see how all of that works out. Anyhow...I guess what I struggle with most when I am here visiting is a feeling of being stuck.
On the drive here this weekend we passed through several tiny little towns and I found myself wondering how people could live in these places and be happy. What did they do for a living? Where do you shop? What do you do for fun besides tip cows? How did you get stuck here? I just think to myself that these people must be miserable. I would be! And that is where God has just blatently pointed out to me that I am out of touch with reality. I am the most discontent person in the world and I have been all my life. If you look up discontentment in the dictionary you will find that it means not being satisfied, a restless desire or craving for something one does not have. This is my daily struggle, this is part of my depression issue, this is a handicap to all my relationships and the root of my self esteem issues! I just came across an old Sara Evans song that I used to love and it is dead on with what goes on inside me every day. (I don't know how to add the fancy music to my blog, so you'll just have to read the lyrics)

I Keep Looking

Back when I was young
Couldn't wait to grow up
Get away and get out on my own
And looking back now
Ain't it funny how
I've been trying to get back home, yeah

When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me
And I find me a perfect catch
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends
Then I don't wanna get quite so attached
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more

Well, the straight haired girls
They all want curls
And the brunettes wanna be blonde
It's your typical thing
You got yin you want yang
It just goes on and on
They say, hey, it's only human
To never be satisfied
Well I guess that I'm as human as the next one

Oh, I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
Yeah, I keep looking
Looking for something more

All of the things in the song seem so frivolous, but it goes deeper than that. I am so irritated that this is something that constantly plagues me. I'm also sad that it is still such a big deal with me since I've become a believer. It tells me that I am not trusting God in his promises as my source of joy. It makes me feel like I havn't progressed in my relationship with Christ like I should. This is something that I need to be working on right now. I am glad that these emotions have caused all of this to surface and I am aware. If I honestly look at my attitude lately and any conflict in my life, most of it stems from this problem. Hopefully this time here in Abilene will propel me to search the bible for some solutions to dealing with contentment. I have felt it a lot lately...that empty feeling after buying something you thought would make you happy. Conversations that happen (or don't happen) with people who are suppose to be close, but you can't find any depth that fills you up. Just complete unsatisfaction with myself as far as what I have, where I live, how I look, my daily life routines! Obviously I am looking in all the wrong places for joy.

I am still doing my Beth Moore study...actually I have even more time now to devote to it...and I am getting a lot out of it. I think it will be a very critical first step for getting myself back on track. The entire study is about the construction of the tabernacle as God's dwelling place among his people. This study is translating that building into the construction of our hearts as God's dwelling place. I will try to blog about some of those lessons as I go along. If you struggle with contentment, send me an email and let me know what has helped you out.