Good Start

I am so amazed at how getting into God's word can totally turn my entire being upside down. I just finished my first day of homework in the Beth Moore study I am doing called A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place and I almost can't even describe how amazing I am feeling. I didn't sleep well last night and Ryan got up at 5:45 this morning to eat. He finished his bottle and I put him back in his crib at 6:15 and I so wanted to crawl back into bed and try and sleep another hour. I knew though that if I was going to be successful at this study that I just started yesterday that I needed to make myself go downstairs and do Day One. If I wait until evening when the kids go to bed, I rush through it so I can go to sleep because I am exhausted being a single parent at the moment. The war in your mind when you really don't want to make yourself do something can be pretty intense. I was actually stumbling down the stairs this morning and feeling quite miserable and already trying to start my personal pity party for the day. Anyhow...I got my bible out and said a quick prayer to get started. Then I hear Ryan crying and I'm just thinking to myself "I'm trying God, can you just please help me out!" I decide to go ahead and press on, hoping Ryan doesn't wake his sister since that will really put an end to my lesson. After 15 minutes, Ryan is back asleep and I was fully engaged in my study. I spent 45 minutes in God's word this morning and I can't believe what a different place I am in mentally right now! I am not feeling physically exhausted anymore. I'm sitting here crying right now because I have missed this connection with God. It has been a year since I have spent this much time with Him and I am wondering how I have let myself be so disconnected with him. I have more hope this morning than I have had in a long time. This past week of being alone has been very disheartening to me, but I know that if I wasn't going through this right now I would still be living everyday relying on myself or Brandon to get me through. You might even be thinking as you are reading this that I must be a new believer if I'm just now realizing all of this. I've been a Christ follower for about 8 years now. Unfortuantely instead of walking beside Him or even right behind Him, I have stood still and let him become a speck in my line of vision. I am ready to move forward and I am praying that I will fearlessly pursue Him. I know He is standing there waiting for me knowing I have realized that any changes he is going to ask me to make in my life are going to be welcome to the stale existance I've lived the past year.