Rules of Engagement

This was the title of our session this past weekend on conflict in marriage. I benefited a lot from this particular talk mainly because I don't have a lot of experience with conflict and it really throws me for a loop when I have it with Brandon. I was very lucky to grow up in a family that had very little conflict. My parents have been married almost 36 years and I don't think I ever saw them argue until I was an adult. I know they had conflict...you can't have marriage without it or any other intimate relationship for that matter...but they never let my brothers or I see them fight. I am so grateful for that. My parents still live in the same house I grew up in and I can't tell you what a comforting and peaceful place that is. I know it was because I grew up so secure that they weren't going anywhere and they were happy. I am definately not complaining, but I also feel like I'm a little handicapped by that lack of experience with arguments and fights. In fact I never had a fight with anyone growing up, never in school or with friends. I avoided it like the plague. Now I'm not saying I never got mad at anyone or majorly had my feelings hurt, I just didn't do anything about it. I am a very non-confrontational person. I actually get a little freaked out if people get really angry with me and yell at me. My response always makes me look like the biggest looser ever...I cry if you yell! Not because I am scared or intimidated, I am usually pretty furious myself, I just don't know how to express those feelings with so much gusto!

I am getting better though. Something about 6 years of marriage and 2 kids will do that for you. I will yell if Brandon yells first, but only when it goes on for a few minutes and his tone isn't changing. I actually feel better when I break things though. Unfortunately I break my own objects instead of the offenders. My new phone should be here by Friday and I have missed it enough that I'll make sure it isn't flying next time I get upset. I must say though that Brandon and I rarely fight...I think I can count on one hand the number of times we have "fought". We have discussions quite frequently, but never anything that usually gets really hurtful and mean. I am grateful for that, especially since Brandon grew up in a family that fought and yelled. We do not want Peyton and Ryan to be in a home with parents that argue and yell a lot so we are committed to having our arguments in private and I pray that we can actually do that. I am a person who actually stuffs a lot of anger and then it will just take something random and meaningless to set it off.

Anyhow...back to what I was reminded of this weekend. A lot of this stuff were things you always hear in pre-marital counciling, but it is nice to be reminded. I realized that I have a really bad habit of expecting certain things from Brandon without actually sharing with him what I want/need. You would think after 6 years of marriage he would just know, but apparently he isn't a mind reader. The comment was made that conflict happens when we are not getting what we want. That puts it into a very selfish context for me. I always thought of it as happening when somebody does something hurtful or does something to me. Not me being upset when I don't get what I want, that makes me sound like a child, but that is exactly what it is! They also talked about how couples can be so critical of each other. Of course it was presented in a way to show that being critical of others weaknesses means that I am out of touch with my own weaknesses. If I was aware of all my weaknesses I would be much better at giving someone grace with theirs. Good stuff to think about, that is for sure! The thing that was said that impacted me the most was this: We want to be loved unconditionally, but we don't want to be the unconditional lover! How true is that!

Brandon and I are in a great place in our marriage right now and things are finally settling down having the new baby. But don't think the past year hasn't been full of challenges and discussions! I know if I want things to be better in my marriage that I am the one who has to pray about being changed. It's not my job to mold or manipulate Brandon into what I want him to be. My parents marriage was one I wanted when I was growing up. The one important thing missing in their marriage though is God. Knowing that, I am amazed sometimes at how well they have done with their relationship as well as the one with their children. I want my marriage to be such a testimony to Christ. I don't want people to think "They seem so happy and content, how do they do that?" I do want people to think "Wow, that kind of love shows without a doubt how much those two love God!"

Weekend to Remember

Brandon and I just got home from a wonderful marriage conference that Family Life does that is called Weekend to Remember. My parents were so sweet to come to Hutto for the weekend to keep Ryan and Peyton so that Brandon and I could go to this 3 day event. It was held in the Austin Sheraton downtown and was the escape I have been desperately needing for quite a while now. I realized this past weekend just how fragile my emotional/mental state has been lately since I cried more the past 3 days than I have cried in a long time. I've dealt with depression quite a bit since college and unfortunately it is rearing it's ugly head again...this time as post-partum. I tend to hold stuff in a lot until it just overflows and this weekend happened to be the explosion. I felt so bad that Brandon had to watch me well up over and over to the point that I was frustrated I was crying so much. I'm sure the people around us thought we were attending this thing as a last resort for our marriage since I couldn't stop the tears and I'm still sporting my beautiful black eye my daughter gave me over a week ago! Anyhow...the conference was great and we learned so much good stuff. We had a great date night on Sat. night even though I was ready for bed well before 10:00. I spent a good part of the weekend yawning too since I was so exhausted. We had several bad nights with the kids last week and that is just really hard to recover from after several days of no sleep!

I will probably blog later about some of the quality marriage discussions we enjoyed. But, today I just wanted to talk about one of the sessions I sat through this morning that was just for the women. It was all about embracing God's wonderful design for us as women. I have really been struggling and beating myself up a lot lately about my parenting, particularly with Peyton. I feel like I have been a horrible stay at home mom who is not investing in my kids like I want to daily, but just surviving until I can put them to bed at night! I don't have a good routine and I just feel like I'm using my fatigue as an excuse to be lazy. I think this is causing a bunch of anger deep down that I obviously don't know how to deal with and it is definately spilling over into my patience level with my husband and kids. I have never had these feelings of anger so much or so deep in my entire life and I'm not use to dealing with these kinds of feelings every day. I feel like I have been treading water for the past 3 months and if I don't do something soon I am going to drown.

So, back to the session this morning. The question was " How does a woman become the kind of wife and mother God has designed her to be?" Obviously I have no clue was the first thing that came to my mind. The whole discussion this morning was based on these 4 answers. 1.) She prioritizes wisely 2.)She respects and supports her husband. 3.) She teaches and trains her children 4.) She depends on God. All of these answers were discussed in detail and I enjoyed all of those discussions. The one that really struck a chord with me this morning was the one about being a mother. I need to INTENTIONALLY pursue being a mother to Peyton and Ryan. I think a lot of times I just try to roll with the punches everyday instead of getting up and praying about being intentional. A woman's home is the place from which she can change the world! Wow, that statement made me reevaluate my feelings about my home. Most of the time I feel bored and trapped being home everyday and can't wait to get out! I have been guilty of feeling less important as a person since I am just a stay at home mom. I forget what a noble task God has given me to teach and mold these beautiful babies he has blessed me with into people with character, values, and a heart for him. That is so overwhelming! It is so easy to feel like a failure too when you are dealing with so many discipline problems and feeling like I am already messing up the task God has assigned me.
I've never been a big fan of the Proverbs 31 woman! What parallel universe would I have to live in to even come close to being that woman? Something new came to my attention about that chapter of Proverbs today. That woman who seems to effortlessly manage to be perfect is really just a mom and wife who relied on God to become the wife and mother he wanted her to be. Everything she did, she did for her family and not herself. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I became a mom. It amazes me how selfish I am! I am learning in a new way what it is like to put yourself last and I can't say I enjoy it much at all. But, if I am going to be what God intends for me to be then I must choose to place the needs of my family ahead of the expression of my other interests and talents. That is a hard thing to do!

This is just a new season in my life. I am a mom! As my friend Amanda has told me, this is not my decade! It is not about me anymore and it won't be for a long time. I am praying that God will continue to show me how to get my "self" out of the way so my kids can have the mom he desires for them to have. Well...I am so tired that some of this might not even be making sense anymore. Time for bed!

Fury of a two year old

Today has been a difficult day with my daughter Peyton. She is almost two and has had the two year old attitude since she was about 14 months old! From the time she got up at 6 am this morning, she has been a royal pain in my butt! Or, I guess I should say eye since she gave me the first black eye today that I have ever had in my life! That's right, I am sporting a huge shiner thanks to my daughter's rage. By the time we got to lunch today the child had recieved more spankings than she has had in her short life. I had just finished cleaning up all the ravioli off the floor that she threw off the table in her anger (don't know where she's learned to throw things when she's mad!) and the soda she decided to pour all over the wall 30 minutes earlier. We decided to go to Lowe's so I was attempting to change her clothes while she was sitting in my lap on the floor when she threw her head back as hard as she could and hit me in the face. I actually saw stars, she hit me so hard! I thought she had gashed open the skin above my eye...that's what it felt like at first, but I didn't feel any blood. I'm proud to say that I gently set her in her crib, instead of tossing her, and went to inspect the damage. Within 2 minutes I had a black and purple egg above my eye. Having never been hit before, Brandon told me to immediately put ice on it to stop the swelling. Great...now I didn't feel like going anywhere. Peyton also happened to misplace my sunglasses two days ago so I couldn't hide my ugly face! I asked Brandon if he wanted to go out in public with me and face the ugly looks he was sure to get since it appeared he might be an abusive spouse. He thought about it a few minutes and then concluded quite humorously that my black eye paired with my nose ring (I pierced it last week with a friend) would surely have people guessing that I got into a chick fight. He told me that if anyone starred or dared to say something to me, all I should do is inform them that they "should see the other girl" and walk away. I'm sure they would buy that story as they see me load my cool minivan with my two kids!

All this said, I will not be making very many public appearances the next few days. I've also got some kind of scratch on my neck (I don't know which child that came from) that my husband thinks looks like a hickie. That is a mark he said he would take credit for! Wow, I'm reading back over everything I've written thinking I sound a little bit white trash today. Maybe looking at myself in my grandma style cover up I've been wearing to plant flowers in this afternoon is making me feel this way! I'm sure the neighbors who have seen me outside today are thinking I'm pretty classy! :-)